The beginning and end of okcupid (in my world)

Okcupid was a no-go. I'm such a pussy about putting myself out there that I couldn't even talk to one person, not even for the sake of a blog post. Oh wait, I did talk to one person...

Guy: What brings you to the site?

Me: It's a social experiment.

...and never heard from him again. I wonder why. My profile was super cool, though (see below).

 

I even posted a photo of myself for the whole 10 days I was on there, and received 94 messages from 90 different guys.

My personal favorite: you like nazis? (all lowercase). And just to clarify, no I don't. Gonna have to find something new to blog about. Maybe my upcoming trips to Savannah and New York, or my upcoming move to....

A place you'll find out about whenever I post again! Hint: It's the edge of the world, and all of Western civilization. ;)

Who really needs okcupid? OMG.

I took a Lent--a sorta-celibacy is what I've been calling it--from social mediaI for the past few weeks. Sorta-celibacy because social media is what I do for a living, so it's near impossible to get off completely. But either way, that's what I was doing when I got a message from a friend a few days ago on Facebook that only read: Why no more "dating and shit"?!?!

And beside my short-lived "Lent," that I am and am not over practicing, this is why: Writing is an incredibly solitary job-hobby. Sometimes two people writing together work out beautifully, like two people in love. Sometimes they don't, also like two people in love.

Other than the facts that I have been extremely busy with work, I fall asleep writing my "morning pages" at night, and I'm about to get started on a new and exciting writing project (something super duper cool that I haven't really done before and cannot/will not talk about until it materializes), something really has to catch my attention/spark my interest/turn me on to make me want to write about it, and write about it passionately.

I've been busy building an okcupid page with some friends (for the sake of boredom, and maybe for the sake of a few blog posts), so that's another thing that's been taking up my time. I explained that to my friend as well.

Like every guy on okcupid looks like this.

Me: I don't have anything interesting to say. But I'll be back. Working on an okcupid profile.

Friend: I hope it's for research purposes. I doubt that you need an online dating service to meet gentlemen.

Me: It is for research purposes. A social experiment of sorts. But I might also need it to meet gentlemen.

Friend: Don't get too involved with okcupid. You don't need it! You need NY.

Me: Yes. I need NY.

I do need New York. And a puppy. And more frequent vacations, and a money tree, and like three extra inches before heels. And maybe that will be my next blog post: All the reasons I (and you) need New York (and so many other things), and not okcupid--it's weird. And not weird in a good way.

Dating & Shit 14: What becomes of the brokenhearted?

“Theheart was made to be broken.” –Oscar Wilde

But really, it wasn’t.  The heart is actually the strongest muscle inthe body, if anybody cares. So how did that phrase even come about? Shouldn’t itbe “brainbroken” instead? Or what about “mindbroken?” Even just “broken” wouldprobably do.

Those are my two cents for the day. Now back to beingheartbroken. Yesterday Ric told me he was “a little heartbroken right now" and that maybe it'd be a good thing to talk about.

It’s good for us writers to have our hearts brokenevery now and then because, for some reason, heartbreak produces great writing.So does anger. This was my argument with a friend of mine for the longest time.“Great writing comes from experience,” he would tell me. My response, “Yeah, butit also comes from anger.” He disagreed. Some would argue that both anger andexperience are born from heartbreak. I don’t think that’s so far off.

But was the heartmade to be broken? I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess it’s a goodthing sometimes to have your heart broken, and this is where I’m going to getsuper girly and quote Eat, Pray, Love,which is a book, by the way, that I had a very hard time reading when I didread it years ago.

“A soul mates purposeis to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstaclesand addictions, break your heart open sonew light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that youhave to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

This is the kind ofheartbreaking I don’t have a problem with. Cheesy or whatever, I really thinkeveryone comes into your life for a reason, and to have your heart broken “sonew light can get in” sounds so Zen and life-changing and awesome and romantic.

Read Ric's take on having a broken heart here.

Dating & Shit 13: Advice columns for men

Advice columns for men don't exist. And "How to Get Her to Give You a Better Blow Job" in Maxim does not count as advice. A lot of times when I want to talk about guys I talk to guys. My girlfriends give me pretty good advice for the most part, but when you want to get into a man's head, when you want someone to make you feel tougher and bypass all that emotional stuff, who better to help you than a man?

And vice versa. Guys, if you want to hear, she sucks and there are so many girls at the bar with great tits and what are you even doing talking about that bitch right here, right now?!--talk to your boys. When you want advice about how to win her over or win her back or why it's time to let her go, another woman might be able to help you with that. 

I sent Ric this Atlantic article a week or two ago and he said he really loved (and really hated) it. I scanned it a few times, but never really got to reading it in its entirety. Sorry, Ric. My attention span is really short these days. But the gist of it is this: men and women are different--not only physically. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron. We deal with emotions differently. Some girls act like guys (yes, me sometimes) and some guys act like girls. Whatever.

I wonder why?

And this is where I pick a bone with Ric (sorry, again). I'm as tough a girl as girls get, but sometimes, assuming Ric is writing to both men and women, I think he is a little hard on his readers (me, you, his dudes). Especially since he believes that being a man is a lonely business (see an old blog post from two months or so ago). And this is where I agree with Ric, when two months ago I said being a man is not a lonely business. It is a lonely business, at least in the world of internet advice, because men and women give advice very differently and most of the time, the way men give advice to other men can be a little harsh and alienating.

When we start to realize these things, maybe guys will be able to give each other better advice, and maybe it will be a little softer and more understanding. Until then, I don't know. I really don't know much at all. 

What does Ric think about advice columns for men, and is he going to be totally pissed that I didn't read the whole Atlantic article word for word?

Dating & Shit 12: Letter from a reader

This week's post is a little different from previous dating posts we've been doing. I got the below message from a friend last week, and hope that her letter is the first of many "Dear Dating & Shit" letters. I by no means consider myself a dating expert and don't intend to give advice, just an outsider's perspective, because sometimes that's all you need to figure out what you're doing.

Dear Dating & Shit,

So having been married for the last 4.5 years, I find myself single and having a mare! Here is one of the things I am having a mare with:

Having not been playing 'the game' for the last few years I find myself now having to play it and really can't be bothered to do so. Don't get me wrong; I like to chase and be chased, but again, is it my different outlook on life having already been married that I don't understand why men can't just cut the BS and be straight with us? Is it that hard?

Sincerely,
Single and Sick-and-Tired



I need this typewriter. Borrowed pic from the guardian.

Dear Single and Sick-and-Tired,

First off, I need you to know that your love note to us was one of two  highlights of my week. (The other was spending the day shopping with my guy and watching him try on numerous hats/sneakers. Totally serious. And yeah, I said "my.")

Just the fact that you've read our opinions and have now confided in us/put even just a little bit of trust in us to help you figure out why guys are such dicks—I mean why they always have to play those stupid games—means so much. I don't know everything; I really only know a little bit about a lot of things, which some would argue is not as great as knowing a ton about a few things. But I do know that playing the game is really, really hard when you do like someone a lot, and doesn't really exist when you don't like someone enough.

I watched Swingers the other night—really fun movie, by the way, and if you haven’t seen it you should. The main characters (20-something-year-old men) have this rule that when they get a girl’s number they can’t call her back for three days or five days or six days, don’t remember exactly. One guy calls a girl back the same night in desperation, multiple times, leaves her like 15 messages and finally she answers and tells him she never wants to hear from him again. The whole movie, his friends are trying to teach him how to play “the game” while he deals with still being in love with his ex. Keep in mind that this movie did come out 17 years ago, so a lot has changed in the dating world since then—mainly because of technology—but essentially I think a lot of the “rules” have stayed the same.

Secondly, and unfortunately for us, I think we do have to play the game even if we can’t be bothered with it. Personally, I like to chase, and I like to be chased oooonly once I really like the person. BUT, there’s that whole thing about guys needing to chase because it goes back to their roots and the caveman days and all that awesome biological stuff. I was in a relationship once for a really long time like you, and although I was never married, I was out of the game for years. Also like you, I couldn’t be bothered to play the game for the longest time once I was single again, and I kind of still can’t. That said, being single is actually really fun, especially when you have at least a friend or two to go out and get in trouble with. Please go out and get in trouble!

And if you're ever bored and have a ton of time, Sex at Dawn is a pretty good book that touches on everything from monogamous relationships to biological and evolutionary stuff (monkeys!) to the game. I never finished it because it's a million pages long, but one day, hopefully I will.

See Ric's response to Single and Sick-and-Tired's letter here.